So. Today I'd like to talk about how I have once again lost all my faith in people's decency. As the title described. Please keep in mind that I am not talking about every person on Earth; when I say "people", I'm referring to the vast majority of people I have associated with. You may be different, you may have friends that are different. But I know few people who are different than this.
So, I used to have a YouTube channel. I would post makeup tutorials on it. And yes, it was crap. I know I was bad at makeup. I've always known it. I've been wearing makeup for less than a year. So it's not as though I'd be offended or anything if someone posted a comment on a video here and there respectfully stating that they're not very good, pointing out what I could do better, ect. And some people did. But most of the time, I got the most disrespectful, downright offensive comments. There were people who were acting as though I had some them horrible physical damage by posting mediocre makeup looks, complete with atrocious grammar and frequent profanity. It was ridiculous. So, obviously, I would act completely unhurt and refute what they said, right?
So, one day, this person who apparently knew someone who went to school with me left one of those comments. They were talking about how they wanted me to quit makeup because they didn't want me being made fun of at school and such. Now, previously to this, I'd had several students come up to me and compliment me on my makeup channel. Naturally, this was surprising to me. But in any case, I refuted what he said using this fact. And it was how he replied to that that hit me harder than anything anyone's said to me in my life.
He told me the truth behind those compliments. He told me how when people said nice things to me, it was a manner of making fun of me. He informed me that the kids were making fun of me behind my back. They were even going so far as to take pictures of me and send them to people I don't even know and call me a freak with people who have never met me. And clearly, those people who've never met me take their word for it, as proven by this commenter.
I cried for about an hour after reading that comment, and spent the rest of the day locked in my room with the lights off. See, I've had MAJOR social issues in the past. When that comment was posted, I'd only just begin to rebuild my entire life after those experiences. When I was 9 years old, I had allergies that left my nose constantly running. Kids all thought I was disgusting and called me the "gross girl". I had no friends, and I still remember how people would outright shudder when I walked past, and refused to touch anything that I'd previously touched. I pretty much spent my entire 4th grade year with books. I had no contact with anyone at all besides my family - ever. This made my mind do strange things, my imagination cook up things that no normal kid would think about. Imaginary friends, imaginary scenes. Not hallucinations or anything mentally unhealthy; just an imagination run amuck. This prompted the other kids to think I was extremely weird, and constantly point this out to me. I became quiet and shy and very restricted with my behavior, very sensitive and held back, in an attempt to not be weird. I did everything I could to stay away from those kids because it was the only way to avoid torment. And this was pretty much how it was for the entire 4th and 5th grades.
Then, partway through 6th grade, everything changed. A girl transferred to my school. I'd known her from my old school in 1st grade. She was incredibly nice, the nicest girl I've ever met. And she saw how no one spoke to me, basically took pity on me, and we became friends. Inherently, I also became friends with all of her friends. 6th grade was, without question, the absolute best year of my life. I got a teacher who liked me, friends who were nice to me (and by that point, I had my allergies under control and a lot of people were forgetting the gross girl thing). I loved 6th grade year so much. It was strange to adjust, though. The people I'd made friends with were, in my eyes, positively insane. They talked loudly, cracked jokes, weren't afraid to say what was on their minds. After 2 full years of closing off myself, this was a new experiance. Slowly, though, I opened up more and more. By the end of 6th grade, I had totally cut open the bonds of my mind and let myself free.
And then I started middle school and was at last completely free from that life. Complete, totally, and 100%. I never had to see those kids again, ever. I never had to return to those classrooms, never again had to face those horrible teachers. I'd looked forward to middle school for years because I saw it as a new chance, a fresh start with life. The girl who I'd made friends with also went to my middle school. I also reunited with a friend from 3rd grade, and made some new friends in my new classes. There were still kids who disliked me at this school, but this didn't hurt me for 2 reasons: 1, I'd learned that other people can just go fuck themselves if they don't like me, and 2, they were far more diluted. My old school of 6 grades had had 400 kids; for 6 hours straight, I was constantly forced to see every kid from my 1 class. There were only about 90 kids in each grade, so separate math and homeroom classes and recess didn't help at all. My new school of 2 grades had 1,400. I rarely had to come in contact with these kids; I rarely saw anyone I wasn't looking for. I also had real, honest-to-goodness friends, who far outweighed the haters. By 7th grade, I had discovered that my natural personality was something I'd forgotten existed. I was loud, sassy, defiant, and independent. My new friends encouraged this; I had no reason to hold back.
Then in 8th grade, I realized I wanted to stand out. By this point I'd received so much encouragement from friends that I thought the people around me had changed. I thought they'd grown up, and were totally different from the people I'd known in 4th and 5th grade. I thought that people would admire how I had the guts to stand out. To not be stifled by society. To just be the person I was born to be. I thought people would understand this was the sort of person I was. And I felt ready for it. Throughout 8th grade, I was just that person. I dressed differently from everyone. I talked out loud in class. I especially developed a love for makeup. I saw it as a way for me to wear my personality on my face, to show off to the world that I don't give a single fuck what people think of me. I received even more haters, but I barely noticed them, I was too busy basking in the glorious feeling of being my damn self FINALLY. I felt on top of the world. I felt that the days when I came home from school and cried myself to sleep because of the bullies were ancient history; I barely remembered them. For the first time in my life, I was ME. I was Chloe Elisabeth Craig. People noticed me, people knew my name. People saw me in the hallway, and I thought it was a good thing. I decided to create a makeup channel. I wasn't very good at makeup, but i wanted to spread the love. I wanted to show people that they could do it too. That they could be themselves and feel as wonderful as me. I thought I was doing a good thing, that maybe some people would be inspired and shed their repressive masks same as me.
And then this comment came and my entire world crashed to pieces around me.
And I realized I was wrong. I was wrong about people changing. I was wrong about them embracing a free spirit, someone who stood out amongst the crowd. When I read that comment, I was whisked back to the dark days in 4th and 5th grade. I momentarily relived those horrible, endless years where all I wanted was to curl up in the dark and never seen a person again. And then, one by one, every single negative comment, every criticizer, every person who had ever given me a nasty glance came back to me, crystal clear, unblurred by the foggy glass of independence. And every one struck me like a white hot knife straight to the heart. It wasn't only the comment that hurt so badly. That was a part of it...particularly the bit about people sending pictures of me labeled "freak". But it was also the realization that came with it, that people will NEVER accept me for who I am.
My mind doesn't work like that of your everyday person. I can't even describe how my mind works. I have a very analytic mind. I also have ADHD. And I just tend to see things that others don't and not see things that others do, and when we both see the same thing I look at it differently. I do VERY well at learning, but absolutely horribly at school. In 8th grade, I got straight A's on every test I took, except math which I flunked (I absolutely cannot stand math, and I hated my math teacher even more than the subject), but straight F's in every class. The point is, I'm different. I described my natural personality above: it's crazy. I have a mind that even I don't quite understand. I thought for a while that people could accept it. I thought that they'd see that I don't have the same mind as them and understand that I was simply born different. But they won't. I know they won't. Every single fucking day of my life, I will have to deal with these people who don't fucking understand my mind. Because let's face it: no one actually understands my mind. Even my best friends don't. I love them and all, but they have normal brains. One of them is a major nerd like me, but she gets straight A's because she thinks the way people can relate to. The other is less nerdy, but still very smart, and also gets straight A's because again, she has a normal mind.
I think there have only been 2 people who I can tell have understood me. Both were teachers. My 6th grade teacher and my 8th grade language arts and history teacher. Not to say that others couldn't, but since they were my teachers and all, they read what I write and hear what I say and such, and so have the resources to understand me. I think my 8th grade teacher understood me the best because that was the year when I really opened up, and let me true mind flow into everything. Being my language arts teacher, and no less one of a similar mindset, I think she was one of the few who really, truly understood me.
Besides that, no one has. Not even those who've tried, like my parents, or my friends. And I don't think people ever will. Society just wants me to shut up, stop resisting, and collapse. They want me to do my work the way they want it done and not take creative interpretations. They want me to just be totally uniform.
One day, very recently, I found something online that I think is absolutely horrible. It was on a website that posts memes and funny videos and things. They had up this one quote that I absolutely LOVE:
"My mother always told me that the key to life is happiness. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life"
Someone had commented on the quote and said:
"If I were a teacher and a kid said that to me, I would slap them across the room".
WHAT??? Is that honestly how people feel these days? Whoever said that was an amazing person. They had a mind that was clearly out of sync with the world, but in a brilliant, creative way. That person who commented is suggested that we rid our schools of all creativity. Of all independence. He is suggesting that because the kid interpreted the assignment in a unique way, he ought to be punished. That makes me sick. It makes me sick to think that this is what society is. PUNISHING a kid for answering the question in the way that he saw it, just because it happens to differ from the way the teacher saw it.
There are so many other examples of this happening. My older sister has informed me that in high school, when you do book critiques and such, the teachers expect you to agree with them always or else they mark you down for being "wrong". That's right. Wrong. Because you saw the book differently than the teacher, you are wrong. And that is what makes me dread high school more than anything. The thought of having to do that; to conform myself to the limited views of a normal person, in order to get a good grade...it sounds horrible. It sounds absolutely horrible. I feel sick to my stomach to think that this is what's expected of us. I hate it. I just hate it. I think we need to change. I think we need to open up and accept EVERYONE. Because everyone is a human being. People are trying to get society to better accept overweight people, to better accept people who are gay or people who are differently religious. And all that is very important. But we never give a second thought to those who think differently than the rest. To people who just have different mindsets; who are brilliant and creative, but out of sync with the world. And we need to do so. We need to open up and accept everyone for who they are. I absolutely love the song Born This Way, by Lady GaGa. Because it's true. What she says in that song is true. And I could not thank Lady GaGa enough, for getting that message out on radios and sound systems. Who knows? That could make a huge difference in society. And I think we could all do with taking a page out of her book, and embracing ourselves and everything, just the way we were born.
Thank you for reading. I really, truly, appreciate it. You have no idea how hard it was to write that. More than once I had to stop and compose myself. More than once I broke down sobbing at reliving the memories that I've tried so hard to bury in the darkness of the past. And it was even harder to force myself to press the "publish" button. Never in my entire life have I talked about myself like this. I could only do it in writing; it would be impossible out loud (it was hard enough to write, I'd never be able to say it to anyone). But it's time I let it out and wrote it down. It's time that I do my part to send the message to the world. I know it's long, but this isn't the sort of thing I can express shortly. If you've come this far...thank you. So much. I really hope that some people will understand what I'm trying to say here. I hope that someday, I can believe in people again. I hope that someday people will be more accepting, more understanding. I hope that someday, I won't have to suffocate myself just to avoid my life being living hell, and I hope that others who are similarly stifled will someday be able to breathe again. Please. Let me believe.
